I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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