my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize