OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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