true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
