Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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