I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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