Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
