Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just want nice things and good sex
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
