if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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