My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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