From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
