so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
