I just saw a hot homeless man
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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