oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
