That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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