Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize