Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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