I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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