I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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