Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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