I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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