Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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