I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
