You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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