as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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