Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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