porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
