Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i came on her dog
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize