Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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