hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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