I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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