guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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