Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize