I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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