Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
