a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
