I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
