ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
