Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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