I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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