I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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