I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
