So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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