do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
