What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
