My room smells like vodka and shame
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
