i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
