ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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