# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
