Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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