I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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