Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
