Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
