I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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