hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm passing your future prison.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
