I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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