Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
