Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
