Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
