he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Randomize
