I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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