I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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