i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
