Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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