If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
