Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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