so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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