Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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